I posted “My (Work) Soulmate is Leaving Me” just over a month ago from today, and my life feels completely different. I was laying awake in bed thinking about how much has changed and felt that an update was in order.
Part of me is still feels sad over the loss of the future I had imagined, but my perspective has shifted and other possibilities have come into focus.
See, the thing is, when she left, I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach and a choice clearly presented itself - I could repeat the pattern of stress, overwhelm and anxiety and spiral downward into oblivion, like I had basically done the first time around when I felt like the world and the fate of the law firm rested on my shoulders… OR I could try something different. I didn’t know what that “different” thing was at the time, but I feel that I made a decision that I wasn’t going to go down the same path as a few months earlier. Despite that decision, I was still filled with apprehension about the future and processing shock and grief from the sudden change of plans that wasn’t in alignment with my expectations.
The wave (ahem, tsunami) of emotions I was feeling caused me to act on some things that I am sure I wouldn’t have done otherwise, at not least as soon or with the same sense of urgency.
Without going into too much detail, I ended up doing some research on a six-day Transformational Breath Seminar that I had wanted to attend since being introduced to the technique in March, but I hadn’t lined it up/hadn’t made it happen. The Saturday immediately after her last day at the law firm, I Googled when the next seminar was, which just so happened to be one week away, technically within driving distance – about 6 hours away, an hour and a half past Chicago. Most of the other seminars were in California, Florida, or in other countries around the world, and the next seminar within reach wasn’t for another six months.
But this one was the next week.
Totally not do-able with my current situation. We just hired someone new. While she had experience, she had only been there for two days.
So I texted the event organizer and asked her if they might do another one shortly after this one, and she called me. (Also, the event organizer just so happened to be Kim Rager, mother of Nicole Rager, who I had met in Costa Rica in May.)
Okay, I’m going into too much detail. I can’t help it.
The gist of the conversation was “No, we are not going to do another seminar anytime soon. The event next week is going to be out of this world and absolutely life-changing. Are you sure you can’t go? Are you sure the law firm can’t survive without you for a week?”
That question stopped me in my unconscious-decision-making tracks.
Is it true?
Is it true that I can’t make this happen?
Because I got that “I’m supposed to go to this thing” feeling in my gut at a level of intensity that is hard to describe, and it has been an intention of mine to be more in tune with my body and my soul and actually follow through on what they tell me.
So I made it happen – I got permission from every person I needed to, I coordinated schedules, I trained my ass off, I made cheat sheets... and the universe majorly tested me on my resolve that whole next week as just about everything that could have gone wrong at work, went wrong. I immediately had doubts and nerves and wondered if I had gotten way ahead of myself. Every critical voice in my head was turned up on extra loud and brain felt like it was melting at the sheer effort necessary to prepare and organize everything before I left. I felt guilty and defensive and a little bit insane, but I kept remembering that feeling I felt on the phone with Kim. It was an unmistakable “yes”, and when you get that clear of a “yes”, it is a gift and absolutely should be followed.
(It didn’t help that I had just read “The Alchemist”, which talked about following your Personal Legend, and that if you ignore your calling, it just slowly quiets and eventually disappears. So, there was that total fear-based motivation behind it as well.)
And the seminar was amazing, as promised. There were things that healed for me that week that I didn’t even know needed to be healed. Unexpected side effect: I feel absolutely driven to become a facilitator of Transformational Breath, because of the depth of healing that can take place and the meaningful nature of the work. I’m going to the facilitator training in January and April and working daily on the requirements of certification in the meantime.
Now if we tie it all together…
My coworker leaving shook me out of a pattern of complacency, because I had basically come up with a plan where almost all of my energy was focused on my job and what my coworker and I could do together, and little to none of my energy was directed toward what I wanted for my life, what I have to bring to the world, or as “The Alchemist” would say, on my Personal Legend.
I’m also taking it as a note from the universe that my old plan was playing it small, that it has bigger plans for me than what I was ready to settle for.
All bright and shiny and shaken-up,
- Emilia Ann